I’m hating on a girl I haven’t even met. I don’t know her. She didn’t do anything to me. She doesn’t even know I exist. The reason I hate her? She had a man, I never had. She had the title I never had. She was his girlfriend. And I was never his girlfriend. -don’t act like you don’t know what I’m taking about. You’ve done it, silently too. Damn you love.
The story went like this. I was a newbie in London. I was in London barely three months. I met someone. I fell in love. We dated. He said he wasn’t ready for a relationship. Not that I’ve asked him or something. I guess he just wanted to be clear about his intentions. Did I believe him though? No. I didn’t even get upset about this statement. I was kinda annoyed. You know, I complained to my girlfriends “I’m gonna die alone”. But I kept on dating him. Cause I liked him. A lot. We had everything that a couple has. The date nights, the hugs, the laughs, the ongoing phone calls. But we didn’t have the title. I didn’t have the title. The “girlfriend” title. I was patient. I knew he liked me. I was waiting. For the day he would ask me to be his girlfriend. I waited. I waited for two years. -I know I’m the best on losing my dignity.
Around the two years mark of the “relationship” we started getting distant. I hadn’t seen him in more than a month and I knew something was up. So I asked him “Are you seeing anyone?” Oh man, he did. I knew it before I even saw what his text. I knew. I was feeling it in my gut. Yeah.. I had the ugly cry. -Damn you love.
Months went by, I dated another man. It wasn’t successful. His efforts of building something new weren’t successful either. I know, as we ended up talking again six months later. -Hey did anyone see my dignity? And that was when I found out. That the girl he was seeing had the title. She had the privilege of being his girlfriend. Something that I was trying to earn for two years, she managed it in just one month. Or less. As a woman with my own insecurities, I blamed myself. Felt not good enough. You know the new epidemic, of not enoughness.
Sadly, I found out who she was. And thanks to social media I looked her up. Cause I’m such a creep. No. I’m not a creep. I was a madly in-love woman. -without dignity. A woman in love with the wrong guy. You know which one, the one who never sees your worth? This one.
So, I looked her up. And what I saw was, um, yeah, not the surprise I wanted. She was actually very beautiful. But very beautiful. I stopped myself from looking for more photos of her to save me from my comparison game. To save me from my inner bad critic. It didn’t work. It was too late. I couldn’t stop the comparisonitis. She looked quite similar to me. Long black hair, good style. But she had a different kind of beauty. And she had something I couldn’t reach. She made him fall in love with her.
I can continue to play my victim card but no. Life is not like that. The truth is that I made my choices. I kept dating a guy who had no intentions of seeing me seriously. But I decided not to see it. Do you know what I’ve learned from trying to figure out what exactly is jealousy? Or better said, envy, which was what I really felt. Envy is a feeling of resentful longing aroused by someone else’s possessions, qualities or luck. Envy is something that we all experience. Something that we never openly admit, as we usually feel shameful to feel this way. But it is completely normal. Let’s see what envy can teach us. Feeling envious about someone is a true depiction of what we feel we miss in our lives. Envy can really help us understand ourselves better and show us some desires we didn’t even know we had. In my own story what I really missed was companionship. A relationship. A man who would love me. That’s what I wanted and that’s why I felt this way. But you know what? Good for her. And good for him. I’m happy that they experienced their love as much as it lasted. Cause after two years by his side, I do really love him. Maybe he’s not my prince -grow up Vicky, maybe he’s not my one.
Heartbreaks are normal. Falling in love with the wrong one is also normal. I don’t hate her. She doesn’t deserve it. She’s just a young lady trying to find love, just like I do.
Hey, stay positive. Keep on trusting. Keep on believing in magic. Don’t lose your hope. We might even deserve someone better than the one we chose that would be a good match for us. The right one will come when we’re ready. Focus on yourself. Grow yourself as much as you can. Take risks. Be brave. Be fearless. Love will hurt. That’s the beauty of it. Don’t hate. Be genuinely happy for others as hard as it may seem. Heads up. We got it. And look jealousy for what it really is. Another clue to what you can improve in your life. Stay brave. Stay bold. You are lovable. You are ENOUGH.
A Better Me. 