Today I had a bad day. I know it’s normal, I’m human. It’s gonna be okay. But no matter how much I wanna know that everything’s gonna be okay, it doesn’t feel okay. It feels lonely, exhausting and it’s making me questioning my decisions.
The day was rainy –obviously, I live in London. As I was getting ready, I was listening to an audiobook for my daily dose of positivity and inspiration. I dressed up, went about my day and on the way back home I did some groceries. When I finally returned home I stopped outside the building, to take a small break as I was carrying six plastic bottles of water. Usually I take one or two deep breaths and I go straight up to my apartment. But today was different. I was feeling different. I stood there looking around me. Looking at the trees, looking at the rain and I was ready to start sobbing. I was feeling quite vulnerable today. My mind flooded me with questions. “What am I doing here?”, “What am I even doing in this country?”, “It’s so lonely”, “Why haven’t I met a partner yet?”, “Why am I even trying to succeed?”. My negative self-talk kept on going. Finally I took a deep breath and went into my very small apartment. It was empty and cold. I changed clothes and started texting my girlfriends for some mental support. They’re not doing great either. The world feels like is on pause. –Thanks covid. Though it’s not on pause. I’m certainly getting older. Covid already owes me a year of my youthfulness.
Luckily my girlfriends are very supportive and understanding so I felt truly heard as I was nagging about my life. But still I couldn’t stop my overthinking habit. Generally, I think of myself as a powerful woman with great talents and skills. I always wanted to create something extraordinary with my life, and I’m trying. A few days ago I heard on a a motivational podcast that it takes around three years to become very good at something if you give it your focus and energy. And around five to seven years to see the pay off. To see whatever it is that you are creating making you money or give you results. The podcast was about how to not give up while following your dreams and how to be patient. But today I felt like I had no other patience. “I cannot live like this anymore!” I shouted at my girlfriends on the phone. “I need to see some kind of change!”
I want to succeed so badly that I think that is what kept me going. But today I couldn’t handle my feelings. I am twenty seven, I am single, I live in a tiny studio in London and I work so hard to change my situation. I want financial freedom. I wanna be able to create the life that I have imagined. I want to be able to give back. I know that I’m blessed for all that I have, especially my health. I know that many people have it worse than I do but that does not change how I am feeling. I try to be positive. I’m meditating, I’m listening to inspirational speeches and audiobooks to keep on growing and nurturing my mind, but sometimes I still fail to feel driven, motivated or even positive.
A couple of days ago I heard a millionaire, a very famous influencer saying in a video that the situation we are in is hard for everyone and we need to be patient, don’t lose hope and most importantly stay home as much as we can. “Sure must be very easy for you to say that, when you don’t have financial worries and your home is 200% bigger than mine with a beautiful view and a pool”. Those were my exact thoughts when I saw the video. I instantly felt bad. This is not the kind of vibes I wanna have. Jealous vibes, envious vibes. I want to genuinely be happy for other people successes and have an abundant mindset. Not a negative one.
The situation we live in is indeed quite difficult for all of us. People are dying, people are losing their jobs, people cannot pay their bills. It is very easy to point the finger and blame but that doesn’t change your own reality. We’re all suffering lately more that we’re used to. We’re suffering mentally, physically, financially. But the truth is we have no other choice than to stay as positive as we can, have hope and keep on trying for a better tomorrow. We all have breakdowns. We all fail to show up as we would like to. We all lose hope. And it is in fact normal. We need to stay as grateful as we can and keep on working on our goals. As much as we can. Bit by bit. A step forward is better than no movements at all. Be brave, be bold. They say after a rain comes the sun. Have faith, keep on fighting. You are stronger than you think. You can do better. You’re capable of everything. Believe it. Trust yourself. Keep your heads up. This too shall pass.
A Better Me. 