Two years ago I was desperately trying to find myself. Figure out who I was and what I wanted out of my life. I was feeling lost. To be honest I never really knew who I was. And I never really cared to know. Cause I was happy. And content. Just the way I was. But the last few years I wasn’t happy. And all the “life gurus” on the internet had the same mantra which they kept repeating: “Find yourself”.
So what does really mean when you’re feeling lost? Why are you feeling stuck in your life? For me, I realised that I was out of alignment. I was hearing about this alignment thing from many spiritual gurus. I couldn’t understand what being out of alignment meant. And then one day, I got it. Feeling out of alignment means that you do no live live through your own true values. You don’t live up to who you really are. You’re following society rules that may not be true to you. You live for the expectations others have for you. You lost yourself cause you’re used to hearing what you should do. There’s so much noise, that you can barely hear yourself anymore. Your true wishes. When you’re doing things that you don’t wanna do or you’re feeling that you’re doing things just because you think you should, you get out of alignment. Simple as that.
Not having the courage to follow your desires gets you out of alignment. Studying something that you don’t really want to study but your parents convinced you that it’s gonna be good for your future. Help a friend or someone in your circle when you don’t really wanna help them. Not being able to express the real you to your family, cause they would never accept you for being gay. All of these are examples that can get you out of alignment.
So I spent one year trying to figure out who I am. I never figured it out. But I started putting boundaries to people. People that thought they had the right to tell me who I need to be or what I should do. I stopped saying yes when I wanted to say no. It’s not as hard as it sounds. It just takes practice. After a year of implementing those changes I realised I still didn’t know who I was, but I was feeling better. Stronger. Just because I learned to stop accepting disrespect and started saying no. I once heard a quote “when it’s not a hell yes it’s a no”. Don’t make your decision making more difficult than it really is. Great advice.
After all these years not being able to figure out who I am I came to the conclusion that you don’t need to know who you are. You really don’t. We are human beings. We grow up and we change. Constantly. What you liked in your twenties you might not like it in your thirties. And it’s normal. Even your style might change by the years. Even your taste on men or women. So why do you have to know who are you? Life is small. Really small. Have you ever though how much pressure you put on yourself when you say “I am that and I will be that for the rest of my life”. No. That’s not how we should live our lives. That takes all the fun away. You don’t have to know who you are. Explore it. Live it. When I was thirteen I didn’t like lentils. But I like them now. -That was not the best example that I meant when I said explore your life, but you get the point. When I first tasted wine I hated it. But I enjoy it now. When I was seventeen I didn’t like working out. But I do now. It makes me feel powerful and takes my stress away. Don’t try to fit into one category. You don’t have to. You have many skills and talents to explore.
Have fun. Do whatever you want, as long as it’s legal and safe. Don’t care about what Emma would think. Who even cares? Do you like girls? Own it. Do whatever puts your heart on fire. Don’t worry if they judge you, or not accept you. It’s not your problem. It’s theirs. Live fully. Have fun. Be joyful. Stop trying to find who you are cause you’ll be searching your whole life. You’ll never really know cause you keep on changing. Do what makes you feel good. And what doesn’t? Stop it. You have the power to create the life of your dreams. You have the power to make your own choices. For your very best change.
To finish this post I will leave you with with some lines of Mark Manson’s book -The subtle art of not giving a fuck. -Seriously, read this book. Manson states: “Knowing yourself or finding yourself can be dangerous. It can cement you into a strict role and saddle you with unnecessary expectations. It can close you off to inner potential and outer opportunities. I say don’t find yourself. I say never know who you are. Because that’s what keeps you striving and discovering. And it forces you remain humble in your judgements and accepting of the differences in others”. In other words if you think you are a certain way, you will never try new things, new experiences. It will threaten your identity way too much. This certain way of being is all you know how to be and you will try to protect who you think you are. You will try to live up to the values of who you said to yourself you are and you will try to maintain and justify them. Even if you don’t mean to, that’s how our brain is wired. Don’t take the fun away. Don’t ever know who you are. The choice is yours.
A Better Me. 