Keys.

He sent me a message today. He asked for his keys. The pair of keys he gave me almost three years ago. I remembering him giving me his keys. I remember how happy I felt. I remember thinking if that was his way of telling me that I meant something to him. It was a pair of three keys with a perfectly conditioned key chain. I used them a lot throughout our relationship. I used them a lot when I used to live at his place.

I found the keys the other day. I hold them tightly in my hand and then quickly put them away, before I had the chance to start tearing up. The key chain is almost ruined. It is not in a perfect condition anymore. It’s scratched. It’s been through a lot. It’s ready to be thrown in the garbage. Just like our relationship. Scratched, ruined, destroyed. I always thought we would last more than a key chain. I thought we would last forever. I thought we had something that the years wouldn’t be able to demolish. But there you go. Me and You are much as destroyed as the f****ing key chain.

I spoke with my mum today. She asked if I was thinking about you. “The whole day” I answered. “Anytime, every time, the whole time”. There was a big silence. I said “it’s normal”. I said “this feeling it would pass”. I said “I just needed more time”. Not sure if I believe that. Will I? Will I forget you? Will I open my eyes one day and not think about you?

I couldn’t break my mother’s heart. I couldn’t tell her how much I miss you. What kind of pain you have caused me. I didn’t say how much I suffer.

I saw a movie the other night. “Jayne Eyre” by Jayne Austin. It was about love. True, magical, chaotic but at the same time strong, unbreakable love. Love full of drama, full of fear, full of anger, full of resentment but still, love. The kind of love I was always imagining we would have. But people don’t love nowadays. People don’t know how to love nowadays.

I didn’t want the “hollywood love”. I didn’t want the “honeymoon phase” love. I wanted real love. I wanted crazy, immature, full of fights, full of happiness, full of everything love. Abstract love. Everlasting love. Messy love. Love that would have its ups and downs but a love that would never die. But your love, if it was ever, love, did die. And left me with a f***ing destroyed key chain.

Fine. Come take back your key. Give it to your new “love”. And I’ll act like you never existed. I’ll silence my pain inside me. I’ll give myself the closure that you never gave me. I’ll hide my feelings. I’ll hide my tears. You left me no choice, whatsoever. I’ll give you back your keys, I’ll take a deep breath, I’ll fake a smile and I’ll forget about you. And as the time passes my fake smile will become real. I’ll take you out of mind, I’ll take you out of my heart. Time will heal everything. Your thought will fade. Just like you let our love fade.

Stay strong readers. This too shall pass.